C, F, L, R

A number of good things happened today:

• Got an opportunity to just chill and play with my laptop for a few hours while we waited for another teacher to fill out their grades. Then, was able to use my spreadsheet skillz to rapidly calculate the students’ averages and give them all ranks. Filling out the report cards became a meditative exercise, like shoveling snow, once I stopped making mistakes in the copying.
• In the meantime, exchanged music with Timothy. He has recently shared with me "Lust Lust Lust" by a band called "The Raveonettes". It’s wonderful, that kind of crunchy thick echoey polyphony. Don’t buy their Sony releases, but Lust Lust Lust and "In & Out of Control" are safe.
• Got my language level back. Advanced low. Gaston congratulated me, to which I only had a weak smile.
• It rained today. Like usual, the rain was only for a few minutes, but today it had an intensity that had been missing. It was incredibly calming, the release to a tension I hadn’t noticed.
• The pineapple. Today the pineapple, good lord. Have I mentioned the pineapple here? ‘Cause when it’s good, it’s really good (and when it’s bad, well you know how it goes). Today it was that sweet-tangy with hints of orange and vanilla, rather than just the normal flavor of pineapple. Falling off the bone, if you can say that. Delicious.
• Wrote a little code (emacs lisp) when I was working with tables in that last entry. Posted it to a mailing list. Nice to bring to completion something even as small as that.

So I decided I might as well take the time to work on the presentation I’m giving Thursday. I guess I have enough for now. I’ll have to work on it more tomorrow. Still, today has been pretty good.

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Note: The original uses the name of the Organization directly, and some Organization-specific acronyms. I have elided these for the sake of generality.

You will note that the behavioral reactions listed below all tend to be negative. This is NOT meant to imply that your [Organization] experience produces only difficult, unhappy emotions. It’s just that when you’re feeling "on top of the world," you don’t look for changes. Given, however, that [Volunteers] spend their two (or more) years in a foreign culture, the likelihood of ups and downs is more common, and normal. This diagram was put together by a group of [finished] volunteers in Senegal in the mid-1980′s; it is applicable wherever you are. Take care of yourself!

Uncategorized party line

Someone bleached the entire well. All of it. I thought I was just smelling something funny, but I asked a local, and she explained that it was to kill microbes, and that if you don’t bleach the well, you could get "the gane" (although I have no idea what that is). I guess I’m safe. Not sure about my laundry.

This morning Claude asked me to borrow my dictionary. He wanted to look up some words: "will", "forget", "was". Considering the likely sources of English text, I’m assuming it’s something he got from his ladyfriend (another stagiaire). Hope it’s good.

This evening, Hyacinthe brought some friends home; one of them apparently has a crush on Christelle. This was completely obvious to me even through the language and cultural barrier within a matter of seconds. I have to assume Christelle knows too. Hope that works out too.

The language test seemed to go OK (although that’s what I thought last time). I really have to start finding the time to work on my presentation for Thursday. I decided to count the quiz for 10 percent of the grade in both 3e and 5e; grades are in, and tomorrow we calculate averages for all the students in our classes.

There’s a chart here that we got (today?) from "resiliency training"; the stages of life here for Organization volunteers. I’ll try to include it in full at a later date, or find a link to it. For now, the important part is "Month 2": "Too much structure. Too much routine. Group constancy. Fatigue. Impending assignment." leading to "Withdrawal. Anxiety. Restlessness. Easy irritation. Low tolerance for frustration." Suggested interventions: "Explore independence. Visit other volunteers. Make plans for first three months. Visit new site. Establish relationships with volunteers and staff. Gather skills for immediate use." Instead I’ve been spending a bit of time online and hacking when I get the chance. Today’s discovery: emacs’s visual-line-mode which does word wrapping correctly (more correctly than longlines-mode).

Uncategorized ennui

Well, at least now I know it’s not the booze; it’s something else about Saturday nights that makes me unhappy like this. I should probably just stop going out with the other stagiaires.

Twelve more days like this (unless I bomb the next language test, in which case it’s twenty-six more days).

Uncategorized ennui

Forgot to mention: gaunt, but attractive (in a tragic way).

Yesterday was finals at model school. I’ve been grading them. 5e was kind of haphazard; the last question, worth 3 points (out of 20) was "All the keys are coming out in capital; why, and how do you fix it?" Almost nobody got it. I gave partial credit generously, particularly to those who confused caps lock with the shift key. (Shift is called "la touche majuscule", "the capital key", and caps lock is "verouille majuscule", "capital lock".) Those who said that it was necessary to push the "lower-case key" to get keys in lower case did not get credit.

Going through 3e now. It’s really shocking how wide the variance is between the best students in the class and the worst. Highest grade so far: 16.5 out of 20. (Or, in French: 16,5 over 20.) Lowest: 1 out of 20. I know I’m a shitty teacher and only briefly mentioned some things that I ended up testing on, but even so. All of us Informatique teachers are struggling with this problem to a greater or lesser extent. We don’t want to lose the kids who are already way ahead of this stuff. The system is grade-based rather than subject-based, so classes can’t be split by ability. So we get to try to teach a high level to those who are obviously interested, and a low level to those who can’t be bothered.

Speaking of which: group photo!

Today was also the course, or "run", put on by the running club at the model school. I obviously thought it was interesting enough to name this entry after it, but there isn’t really much to say. My host brother Hyacenthe got first place. Prizes were pineapples with hand-drawn paper ribbons on them, and also Starburst. It was cool to watch the race and the runners; it’s always kind of inspiring to see an organized event, makes you feel like something good is happening.

A picture being worth a thousand blurry words, please find yourself subject to another:

(Third place. One of Julia’s students, with whom Julia was very impressed.)

Now playing: Swashbuckling Swantoon, "Final Strike". Discovered this band due to Theo, who grabbed a bunch of random tracks packaged as a collection called "lynn loev 8bit".

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French class is tiring. Did I mention that, because I failed it last time, I needed to take 20 more hours of language class, ideally by the end of this week, so I can take the test again some time "soon", probably Monday? That means on average 4 hours of language class a day. Hard to construct a sentence in any language after that point.

Language class with Hilarion isn’t so bad. I get the opportunity to crack wise, and we chat. Today we spent a lot of time talking about informatique, about the Internet, about whether it’s good or bad and why. I explained to him (successfully on the first try) that I only like things that nobody else likes, and he described me as an "être marginal", a "marginal being", which I like a lot. He meant in the sense of "always on the margins", but naturally I prefer to take it in terms of "a flaky person".

We were talking about animals and which ones I would save if I were in charge during a catastrophe and could only choose five. He remarked that I didn’t choose any animals that symbolized beauty, only animals that were useful (cows, chickens, dogs, bees, and earthworms). We went down the list, trying to find animals that symbolized beauty, and suggested the papillon, the butterfly, because it’s delicate and vulnerable. I suggested that to me the parrot was a better symbol of beauty, because not only is it as colorful, but it is also jealous and can bite you, and beauty is nothing if not dangerous. (This was one of those conversational turns that just sort of happens to you and you decide to run with it.) He seemed to appreciate the humor in that.

If we don’t pass this next language test, we get to take a "conditional swearing-in", which means we become full Volunteers with a capital V, but only on the condition that we stick around this crummy little town for another couple of weeks and finally get our language level. I told myself that if I again didn’t get the grade I needed, I’d give up and go home, but even as I said it I could feel something in my heart that was too proud to let go.

Saw myself by accident in a mirror today, for the first time in a few weeks. I look gaunt, greasy, worn. I know I’m being melodramatic. Then again, lots of volunteers say that stage was the worst part of their service.

Last day of model school today. Still need to learn how to handle 5e, and in general, the lower levels. I sent a student out today and she started crying, saying she was only asking her friend for her pen back. Hard to know what to do with that, but the good news is I wasn’t even really teaching anything, having already given up on them. Even the students who are well-behaved aren’t interested in learning anything, and at this point ("formatting of text") I can’t say I blame them. Oh well. Hopefully I’ll have more motivated classes at post (ha ha).

Got a "du courage" email from Gus. Thanks for that. Twenty-five months left. But who’s counting?

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Cockroaches and lizards are not encouraged as pets, nor are lice or scabies. However, the Health Unit staff will not be too surprised if some of these critters take up residence in your home!

From the medical manual. Thanks, guys!

Uncategorized party line

Got my new language test result back. It’s Intermediate Mid, whereas I need to be Intermediate High to go to post. It’s not fair to say I "bombed" it, but I sure did "fail" it. People here say echouer, "to fail, to fall through".

Earlier today I was so furious I lost my temper at Gaston (language coordinator). He was saying something along the lines of "Oh, it’ll be fine, you’ll be able to pass the test in no time," to which I said something like "No, I was ALREADY able to!" Which shut him up for a minute. I think he was astonished that I successfully constructed a sentence that actually expressed my emotions, but on the other hand he could have been thinking better of correcting my grammar.

I know that if you didn’t know better you could get the impression that stagiaires are indifferent-to-hostile about learning French, but that’s not the fucking case. I speak French chaque fucking jour. I teach two hours a day in the goddamned language. The goal is to be able to communicate and by goddamn, I am fucking communicating. Sure, I mangle the fucking language. But I’m a damn sight better than many of the other stagiaires with higher fucking language levels.

There was a long list of reasons why this is bogus here, but the pertinent part is this: I’ve been thinking about flunking out again today, probably for about three or four hours. It seems like an increasingly good idea:

• I am fucking tired of French classes.
• I am fucking tired of the other stagiaires.
• I am fucking tired of sweating all the goddamned time.
• I am tired of trying to make things clean using dirty water.
• I am tired of everything being a fucking ordeal (épreuve).
• I am not a good teacher. I have no desire to become a good teacher. I have no desire to remain a bad teacher.
• I do not see how I can make a difference here. I do not see how this program can make a difference here.

In the meantime I have been motivated to study a little bit some useful vocabulary. "Waste of time", une perte de temps. "To waste my time", perdre mon temps. "To prove", prouver. "The proof", la preuve. "Ordeal", as noted above.

Uncategorized anxiety, bitching

So, yeah, another Saturday with predictable consequences. I think I alienated a lot of stagiaires tonight, just because I called them cockbags or condescended to them. Oh well.

We got to see the nightclub here in Bafia. They hadn’t officially opened, but Jenny and I went in to take a look. It looks.. pretty much like a cool concert scene would look in NYC. Entrance fee is generally 3500 CFA per person ($7). That’s a lot of lunches, so I guess it’s pretty expensive. Instead we mostly hung out at a bar nearby, "chez Martin".

I worry about Jessica W., who is in that state where "everyone is loved except for me". Not an awesome place to be. I mean, she says she likes dark-colored skin, so more power to her. But I don’t want her to accept some random local’s marriage proposal just because. I would like to trust her, because she seems like she has some inner strength, but I worry nevertheless. I think this is part of why I am condescending.

At one point I wanted to be outside and just sulk a bit about how I miss Gus and how the music isn’t right and how there’s no point in dancing to Beyonce. The lights from the nightclub were really pretty somehow, and there are oh-so-many stars. Jenny came out and we talked about how screwed up it is that we’re here, and whether we’re gonna fail out. Why are we here again? For Jenny I think it’s about a challenge, about proving to yourself that you can do it. And me I’m here because I wanted to work on something once in my life that had an impact beyond myself, and I thought this was my best option. But if you hate kids, if you don’t wanna be a teacher?… In those moments when it was quiet I searched for a song to quote, something that evoked happy times, but I came up blank. Do Gus and I have "a song"?

Claude has been macking hardcore on one of the Lindsays. They were even holding hands tonight as we weaved our ways back home, first dropping off Timothy and Jenny, and finally myself, while Claude went to make sure Lindsay made her way home. I’m proud of them, somehow. I think this is another reason I’m condescending. I wanted to make the same shocked-face-with-finger-mime-fucking gesture that Marian made to me when Gus pulled me into a dance that first time, but nobody would get it.

It’s not that I’m whimpering, exactly. I don’t hate it here. It’s true that there’s a lot to do, and that I miss everyone back home, but I was preparing myself every time I sang to myself this song:

Why can’t we just stay where the ocean is warm all year?

Fruit hangs from the trees, do just what you please,

And nothing is the same

The sun rolls down the beach

Sand gets in your eyes

Lean in for the kiss, our tans astound the crown

And nothing is the same

– World of Science, "cancun ’89"

And, after all, why can’t we just stay where the ocean is warm all year? I still don’t really know. Maybe I’ll put that on the exam for 3e.

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Today was the "final" language exam. If you haven’t yet achieved your language proficiency level, well, better hunker down, asshole. I feel pretty comfortable in French, so I’d like to be able to stop going to French classes, and maybe learn something else.

Additionally, we have to start preparing our own exams for administration this Friday. 3e is pretty straightforward; there’s a lot of binary/hex stuff and some basic Excel usage stuff. 5e will require a little bit more work. Naturally I’m not working on either. Instead I’m rearranging files on my computer and hanging out.

One thing that is useful to know in case the trainers come to you looking for help with their virus-addled USB drives. A fairly common thing these viruses do is mark the directories as hidden and then create files with identical names. It wouldn’t be a big deal except the computers that are locked down administratively aren’t allowed to show hidden files, so you have to use your own laptop. Naturally Linux completely ignores the "hidden" attribute on files, but you can use mtools to change the attributes, even on a USB drive, by creating a mtoolsrc file like this or, I think, directly using mattrib -i /dev/sdb1 or whatever. To remove system and hidden on everything, which is probably what you want to do: mattrib -S -H -/ S:/. [Edit: you can also use mattrib -i /dev/sdb1 -S -H -/ ::/, but you'll still need the mtools_skip_check thing.]

Another thing that I am currently thinking about: why do I have 67 different dotfiles/directories here? Some highlights: .slocdata, which is basically a glorified temp directory; .ido.last, which by rights ought to go in .emacs.d; .recently-used and .recently-used.xbel, which, just, why do we need two of them? Why aren’t they in .config? Do the letters XDG mean nothing to you?? Grr.

I gave the quizzes back in 5e and 3e. 3e listened very attentively that lecture. I think they got the memo, that they’ll really need to get their act in gear by next Friday. 5e I’m not sure about.

Karen joked that she really liked giving exams. "It’s extra work for me so it’s annoying," she said, "But it’s just so satisfying, plus the things they write are really funny."

Whereas our language exams are a bit more irregular. We chat for a while, then we are presented with a role-play session and we do the best we can. I was utterly conscious that I needed to use the future tense, but wasn’t able to because I just kept constructing sentences like "Well, I could change, things could be different". G.I. Jake, who is a real American hero, told me he thinks he’ll need to pull it together over the next couple weeks, but every other stagiaire I’ve been talking to has been of the school of "Gosh, I hope I made my level." And with a bit of luck, we will.

I am thinking right now of a person who, when I was younger, gave me shit for studying French. She was studying Spanish, and there are no shortage of opportunities to use Spanish in NYC, but to use French you have to go to Montreal or France. "When are you ever gonna use that?" she asked. Well, guess who’s laughing now?

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